15 Signs You're A Boy, Not A Man

What began in many Reddit threads years ago has become a dominant corner on all social media causing men to worry whether they are one or not. Having been a shy boy who still learns more every year, this list may be the ultimate masculine metric to go by.

What is a man?

This is a burning question on the minds of many men and has been the sole object of attention to many young men in particular. Reddit communities and TikTok comment threads relentlessly wrestle over what a man is and should be. Is he an Alpha male? Is he a Sigma male? Is there a preferable choice of the two?

In some sense, the following list is equally readable by men and women alike. If you're a man and are curious about what gentlemanly traits or masculine qualities one should develop further, I hope this helps. Likewise, if you're a female reader and want to know what kind of man you like and the signs you are dating a boy and not a man, you too can peruse the list.

My only disclaimer here is that as a currently twenty-eight-year-old man who used to be a shy introverted boy, the following list has been drawn up from experience and lessons learned through my own trials and tribulations. Thus, I have been guilty of all that you are about to read.

1. You constantly worry about being perceived as a man

They say a gentleman never spends a minute thinking about whether he is one or not. The same philosophy applies to manhood, I should think. Men are comfortable in their skin with who they are, they have limited obligation to worry about how others perceive them. It's quite simple. Would a man spend all his time fretting over the opinions of others? Maybe some of his time, but not all the time.

Man must be and do. Such agonising self-reflection is like alcohol, better in moderation.

2. You react rather than respond

Most situations are not fight or flight. The instinct in all of us is to react to something, usually to bad or unpleasant news. Pausing for just a second to take a considered approach is the way to go.

When a man has been told by his girlfriend that she isn't happy with him anymore, naturally, his world feels at an end, but we all know (most of the time) it isn't. This is where men take a step back and form an appropriate response rather than react on the whim of emotion. I'm not saying it's wrong to be human and have emotional reactions, we all do this, but a man makes a deliberate effort to temper them because it is more effective to get what we want that way.

3. You still dress like a teenager

If you want to be a man, at least look like one. This one is simple enough. Many sartorialists mourn the slip in standards over the previous decades, but no one expects you to wear tweed and flannel jackets every day - more's the pity. Instead, aim for timeless pieces in timelessly masculine colours and fits that make dressing well easy and attractive. For example, ditch oddly coloured check shirts over baggy cotton t-shirts and the like.

Also, stay away from trends as best as you can. Incorporate trends that are cohesive with your timeless wardrobe when appropriate.

4. You play video games or computer games

Call of Duty, GTA, Halo, all of them - give them up. For me, this one is straightforward and not up for debate. Haven't you got more important things to do than let time die in your hands with the controller? I stopped these things when I was sixteen years old and left school. It's probably time you should too. While I boast of no scientific credentials, there does seem to be a strong correlation between those who play video games and those who aren't achieving much in their life.

5. You are a people-pleaser

We all try to please everyone, sometimes, but a man never pleases people for the sake of it. Here, I'm talking about your level of agreeability. Being a Yes-man. While it often feels easier in situ and maybe your intentions are noble, to be tactful and diplomatic (all jolly good); a man's own opinions, beliefs and principles are not to be dropped for pleasing people's sake.

6. You don't know how to converse with other adults, especially women

Put it this way, if you have to have an older friend or relative call other adults for you (e.g. a doctor or mechanic), then take this as a sign.

Women seem to naturally mature faster than men. Maybe, men do not mature at all? Though women would say that, wouldn’t they? Much is up for debate there. Still, women don’t like men who give them the experience of someone young and foolish. Younger, you can be. Foolish, you may not.

7. You always blame others and never yourself

The first response of the child is to say, "It wasn't me". With sufficient experience in the workplace and in relationships or friendships, in time, you realise that nothing worse happens when you just admit that you messed up and you are entirely to blame.

Stand up for yourself, but when it's your fault, admit it and take the blame. People will respect you more for it as a man.

8. You think vulgarity is a substitute for wit

In the privacy of our own social circle, our best friends, and our family, there will be moments where vulgarity is part and parcel of the joke. In no way should vulgar jokes or statements be made in replace of a genuinely good sense of humour. The problem with a sense of humour is that everybody thinks they have one. So be sure to reflect on whether your jokes only land with ‘the boys’, if they do, then a humour transplant may be in order.

How can you become funny? Wit can rub off on you. It’s a holistic trait, an acquired one. Wit comes from intelligence and practice. Read and listen to witty people, and eventually, you’ll pick some of it up.

9. You're not mentally mature enough

Men must be able to think and exist on a deeper level, which for many women means a readiness to commit. Thinking about your future and the future of your loved ones is a sign that you have a sense of responsibility that only comes from a kind of mental maturity. You don’t play silly games in any sense, literally or metaphorically.

10. You take, take, take, but never give back

It’s better to give than receive. Heeding this biblical lesson speaks to your generosity and the kind of man you are. It’s a matter of dependency and poor attitude, both of which are for the uninitiated boy. Never take money you can’t give back, never accept a round of drinks if you aren’t willing to buy one back.

11. You always want to have it your way

The man, more the gentleman, knows he can't have it all his own way. Compromise is the inevitable middle ground you will eventually reach, and so one must be willing to cede some aims. As the philosopher Mick Jagger said, “You can’t always get what you want”.

A boy thinks his way is always the best. A man knows that others might provide a better way.

12. You depend on others to take care of you

There's nothing manly about depending on anyone. I've never understood the modern (desperate) so-called alpha community who think it's more masculine to not be able to clean or cook, for example.

Do you need a partner or mother to clean up after you, cook for you, and arrange your day-to-day life? Cool, so do little boys still innocently depending on their mother. You're a man, it's time to do things yourself.

13. You can't commit yourself to the right people or passions

Knowing where to put your heart and soul pays dividends in the end. Whom to place your trust in for kinship or romance requires the ability to objectively analyse what you are doing and who with. Coasting along with the same individuals who actually hold you down, and doing the same activities that yield nothing fruitful in your life, will always separate the boys from the men.

14. You crumble under pressure rather than hold your own

Stress and pressure are normal parts of life. They are man's natural state of affairs. When tensions arise and pressure builds up suddenly, a man must be able to stay calm and think through the situation carefully and efficiently (time is not often on your side). People only make it out of collectively stressful situations because someone else was able to lead them out of it.

Not every man is destined to be the natural leader who emerges with confidence and a plan, though that is the ideal, but any man, whatever his role, should not and cannot crumble under any pressure not only for yourself, but for the sake of others.

15. You can't do little things a man should be able to do

Can you tie a tie? Can you shine your shoes? Can you iron a shirt? Can you change a tyre? Can you tie a rope knot? Can you paint a wall? Can you assemble furniture? Can you make a cocktail? Can you cook a signature dish? You get the idea.

You don't need to be able to do all of those things now or ever, but at least half of them at some point, ideally all. If you answered 'No' to all of those things, there's a problem.